Joke Thread

[richard2717]

I ran out of gas on the way home today.
As it was losing power, I was able to pull over to the side of the road, where I cracked open the windows so it wouldn’t get too hot.
A moment later a bee flew in my car window,
and landed on the steering wheel.
“Hi,” said the bee in his squeaky little bee voice.
“Are you out of gas?” he asked.
Stunned by the bee’s concern for a moment,
I stumbled my response: “yes, it seems so…”
“Give me a minute,” said the bee.
And, he flew away.
A few minutes later the bee returned with the entire hive of bees, and they all flew into my gas tank.
Moments later they emerged.
“Try it now,” said one of the passing bees.
Again, a little stunned by the bee’s kindness,
I gave it a try, and the car started…!!
I then asked one of the bees as it flew by,
“Wow, what did you put in the tank.”
BP of course

[HO455]

[Boog]

Oh that's a good one. BP of course.

[richard2717]

camo

[richard2717]

wife

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by richard2717

wife

Someone needs a lawyer!!!

[richard2717]

Priorities

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by richard2717

Priorities

[Boog]

Hey Paul. I've got something for you to try.

[Steeveedee]

Originally Posted by Boog

Hey Paul. I've got something for you to try.

Holy Moly! I wonder how many TUMS I'd have to eat in order for my esophagus not to dissolve further.

I'm having acid reflux issues. I told one doctor I saw that I used to be able to eat food so spicy that my wife wouldn't even sit at the table with me, because her eyes burned. I guess I have a self-inflicted wound.

[my56chevytruck]

good one richard2717

[my56chevytruck]

Originally Posted by richard2717

wife

ouch, haha

[richard2717]

We have the standard 6 ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months Ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire City. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric Fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made For 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod, and Drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with The more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big Wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the Yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the Mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of The way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right Hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in Mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a Picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front Side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the Lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time That Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my Head. I was literally one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower Were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg To differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels Emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and You're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 Times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality It was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding Onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric Fences ... But Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now Accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river Bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just Man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a Loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam In it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die ... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into The rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore Roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's Right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, Standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not Take me that day ... He left me there covered in my own fluids to Writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ...
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside Me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and Then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I Was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a Seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sum***** now. Seriously! I think our little sesion cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.
I don't care what type of humor you like this is funny
I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
~ credit goes to owner ~

[richard2717]

A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

[richard2717]

A WIFE send a text MESSAGE to the husband:
"Honey, don't forget to buy bread on your way home from work and your girlfriend Vallery said I must greet you"
HUSBAND Text: "Who is Vallery?"
WIFE respond: "Nobody. I just wanted you to answer so that I can know you saw my message"
HUSBAND: "But I am with Vallery right now and I thought you saw us"
WIFE: "What? Where are you?"
HUSBAND: "Near the Bakery, right at the door"
WIFE: "Wait, I am coming right now"
* After 5 minutes the wife send a text message to the husband.
WIFE: "I am at the bakery, where are you?"
HUSBAND: " I am at work. Now that you are at the bakery, bring the bread with you home.

[richard2717]

I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right, I just had no idea her 1st name was Always.

[Shifty One]

Originally Posted by richard2717

A WIFE send a text MESSAGE to the husband:
"Honey, don't forget to buy bread on your way home from work and your girlfriend Vallery said I must greet you"
HUSBAND Text: "Who is Vallery?"
WIFE respond: "Nobody. I just wanted you to answer so that I can know you saw my message"
HUSBAND: "But I am with Vallery right now and I thought you saw us"
WIFE: "What? Where are you?"
HUSBAND: "Near the Bakery, right at the door"
WIFE: "Wait, I am coming right now"
* After 5 minutes the wife send a text message to the husband.
WIFE: "I am at the bakery, where are you?"
HUSBAND: " I am at work. Now that you are at the bakery, bring the bread with you home.

[68bowtie]

Lol to both of those last ones

[HO455]

Richard has the best jokes!

[CG]

This line in the electric fence joke made me LOL ... and has a Picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

[richard2717]

fox

[richard2717]

mole

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by richard2717

mole

That Funny Right There.

My Golden Retriever can smell one from Miles away.

She will dig and sniff and root them out.

Then play with them like a New Toy.

[richard2717]

bus

[richard2717]

bold